GREAT NEWS JUST WHEN ITS NEEDED

The Men Who Think They're Gods Have Admitted They're Fallible and Perhaps Tomorrow They'll Admit That They're Also Malevolent and Shortsighted

They’ve figured it out. War is hella worse on carbon emissions by far than all the cows, cars and gas stoves on the planet combined. They are planning on banning war as a result as they said they certainly wouldn’t want to be branded as liars and hypocrites or even blue meanies (for those who know where that’s from). Just one year of war in the Ukraine has caused the emission of 120,000,000 tons of carbon. It’s been determined this is about the same as the annual carbon emissions of the country of Belgium.

While the Men Who Think They’re Gods did try to negotiate with Belgium to self-immolate, Belgium not only refused, they threatened to ban the suggested criminalization of hate speech aimed at dissenters so the MWTTG’s backed down.

Then they tried to ban the U.S. from engaging in war since just our military carbon emission is equivalent to the contributions of 150 other countries combined. Problem is, without war, the U.S. would fall apart. It’s been our entire economy; hell! our tradition, probably since the first plunderer arrived at Turtle Island’s shores. They then suggested perhaps a lottery system for which the winning countries would be permitted to use their citizens for cannon fodder in a particular year. Apparently hate is okay as long as it’s your government telling you who you’re allowed to hate.

I read on a website called “The Conversation” that the U.S. military carbon emissions would be equivalent to one billion steaks or 13 billion miles of driving. They did not include the, I am sure, miniscule contribution of gas stoves (which they’ll have to pry out of my cold, dead hands). Well, I’m no vegan, but even I have a problem dehumanizing(?), perhaps debovinizing cows that way. Problem is my math averse brain can’t handle dividing a billion to create an actual living cow. Neither, apparently, could my little calculator. But after, well, under a half hour struggling with the problem, it finally occurred to me to ask the computer. And sure enough it came through for me - I think. Through another site I discovered one cow would produce 70-80 steaks so I asked the computer to please divide one billion by 75 and it told me the answer would be 13,333,333. So if we sacrificed 13-1/3 million cows, we could then commence with sacrificing humans to continued war. Sounds like a win-win or else a lose-lose depending on whose side you were on.

Of course the real question is are we in danger from carbon or is it just one more scary thing hiding under our collective beds to keep us worried so we won’t think about how it’s really our government and whoever it is they are really working for that should be scaring the shit out of us? Is carbon in fact just an alternative to the weekly announcements of the latest deadly viruses they’re hoping to release. Or am I being too cynical? Are they really amazingly prophetic, standing like sentries with their magnifying glass raised to the wind hoping to pick up the slightest clue finally of a disease-causing virus, just so they can warn us in advance, just in case, because they care.

Can we, will we be arrested for hating war a lot more than we hate cows? Actually, I’ve never met a cow I didn’t like. Or how about hypocritical, lying, manipulative, psychopathic, heterophobic anthrophobic, terraphobic, narcissistic soul-dead predators? Instead of hatred, can we simply dislike them profusely? And when will that be subject to arrest? I only wish for them exactly what they wish for the mass of humans not invited into their billionaire boys club. Eviction from not their, but our planet. And please, please, please, take all your war toys with you. I’m pretty sure we were here first.